impulse: facade

so i feel a lot of people have blogs now...and because i am so raw with feelings i thought i would give this a try...mostly for my sake. it's like a diary. and the world is that pesky little sister who secretly reads your entries without you knowing. but i realized the only way for me to get through my days, my weeks, my months...my life...is to let my thoughts pour out. i stress myself out way too much...and pouring my heart out to my boyfriend every time just makes me sound like a nervous wreck of emotions and negativity. which i am...when i am stressed. hahaha.
i am stressed because i had blindly always believed that i would be premed. i think like with any asian families it seemed almost default to say that i wanted to become a doctor when i grew up. don't get me wrong but i have embraced the chosen path of career on my own. it's something i envision doing...just can't envision getting there. to say it's tough is an understatement. i just found out i failed one out of two tests that make up my grade for a class. i think one of my faults from the beginning was that i never wanted to appear less than perfect and my family played along with it. i kept up a facade...an image...even when i didn't need to. and from pretending to be something not achievable i ended up hurting myself. i lost the ability to learn things and make mistakes. i lied to myself and cheated myself. and it always comes to kick me back in the butt. i had only pretended i knew the material for the test...convinced myself that yeah i knew how to do it, didn't need to ask for help....and that's how i have been through life. i didn't ask people for help. but now im sinking. and i don't know if i still have the chance to call out for a life preserver.